Change and Challenge

Ah, life and all its ups and downs.  Again, many months go by between my posts, but only because I am busy living and loving and changing and growing.  Since my last post we have moved to San Diego with my husband's work, enabling us to be nearer to the wonder child that is Ezra.  We have moved my mom in the midst of crisis and bad weather, holidays and a multitude of challenges to an assisted living facility in Phoenix where she is near my sister.

How I wish I had the presence of mind to have blogged in the times of turmoil and difficulty, but alas my mind was too occupied to commit to writing the difficulties such changes can bring.  While the move has proved successful beyond our wildest dreams, the challenge and magnitude of the job my sister, Allison, and I faced was the greatest of my life thus far.  For more years than I care to admit I have been gripped by fear about what this crisis would look like.  Dad died twelve years ago and we soon began a conversation with Mom about moving from Colorado, where none of us had links, to Phoenix.  While she wanted to, she just could not pull the trigger. I went eight times one year preparing the house to sell, purging carloads of stuff- that was eight years ago.  Allison and I lamented over and over that this would all finally come to a head in a crisis - we knew we would face bad weather, medical emergencies, and a huge house to liquidate from afar - and that is exactly how it happened.  In the middle of massive clean out left to just Allison and myself she said - "you know this is our fault! - How many times did we say this is how it would happen?" - She was right. We had to navigate all of it over the Christmas holidays, multiple snow storms, Mom hospitalized, developing pneumonia just as we were due to drive her to the new home - you name it the obstacles were thrown in our way.  Did we manifest just such a scenario with our constant conversations about how it would all come to head at the worst possible time, under the worst possible conditions.  I don't know, but it sure makes me think.  How would it have been if we had continually said something more like "Well, mom will clearly be driven from her home under event driven circumstances, but we will manage and rise to the occasion!"

The fact is, navigating such huge life changes is very challenging, even scary, but we do rise to the occasion.  I am terribly proud of my sisters and myself for how we have handled everything.  All my anxiety and worry over how this could have been handled without crisis did no good whatsoever- it was my mom's life to manage, she was going to make her own choices, and she did.  When it all came down to it she just let it all go and gave it all over to us to manage. After her initial hospitalization in early December for heart and lung failure and her decision to move to assisted living we began this odyssey. We researched options, finding just the right place,  we bought her all new furniture and prepared her new home prior to her arrival, we drove 13 hours up to Colorado Springs to get her as the oxygen proved too difficult to fly with, we took more than 250 bags and boxes to Goodwill, we listed her home with a realtor, had it painted and cleaned, we liquidated the furniture, we drove her with as much stuff as two cars could carry to Phoenix despite oxygen and walker/wheelchair use, we have sold her car and her house sold, closing on Friday.  Allison has navigated mom's health care and oxygen, I manage all of Mom's bills, and Mindy and her husband adopted the cat, also helping get the final things from Mom's home. We took it all as it came and continue to act in her best interests, involving her as much as she wants to be involved but managing matters for her.  We communicate with one another over everything and show one another respect for how each of us can contribute to the change.  More importantly than all the "stuff", Mom is doing really well having gained ten pounds since arriving at her new home.  She has friends and activities as well as peace of mind and privacy, she has help when needed and we are grateful.

My reward is the other end of life's spectrum with my precious Ezra.  His world grows and expands daily, and he is nothing but pure joy to all of us. This is life, my life, and I am blessed indeed.

Beloved Boy

I may not have posted a blog for some time, but my life has been full of a new kind of creativity and wonder.  Spending a week a month with my beloved boy in Long Beach, CA, marveling at the wonder of how quickly babyhood passes by.  Nana Weeks became a central part of all of our lives, finding new ways to grow and nurture and love my family.  The center of all of it -our wondrous Ezra, eternally happy, bursting with life and energy and curiosity.  I began his Books of Ezra as a way to tell him his story through the eyes of his Nana and Papi, to capture those moments he will never remember and to share with him the way we have seen him and celebrated him. Each picture tells a story, each has a caption and shows him his early life as we have seen it.  The first year fills two albums, his second year, already two months underway will fill the next two.  Creativity and expression are still central to my life and my days, there are just new ways to live those out - whether cooking for Ezra and his parents, making Ezra's birthday party decor, or planning our travel - it is all about expressing love.  Love is a verb, it is doing and every small act of our daily lives can be about that sacred action.

Beautifully Broken

I keep a series of journals, several different ways in which I sort my way through life's ups and down, challenges and celebrations.  This is an evolution of chronicling that began when I was pregnant with my daughter over 30 years ago and my sister gave me a blank journal in which to record the events of pregnancy and babyhood for my daughter to one day read.  I have written in a variety of blank books over the years, not daily or sometimes even monthly, but it is fun to go back and see an overview of how life has evolved.

Once I began doing mixed media art, I incorporated art journals into my arsenal of self expression, this too has evolved as all of our expressive forms do.  Currently, I journal a monthly list of what kinds of creative works I have done, along with a section for thoughts on the process and a place to record where my resources toward creativity have gone.  On the facing page I do a simple collage.  Even when I am at a lull in activity and creative expression I am able to record many creative endeavors that have carried me through my days - in my case busy hands=happy heart.

The above was slapped together very quickly when we returned from our harrowing loss of my father-in-law. It just came through me as any real expression does, we are just in the flow.  There are no illusions about any real art being made here, but it resonates with me nonetheless. Broken can be beautiful and often when the heart breaks, it breaks open allowing love and light to flood in and spill over.  We are blessed to have loved one so dear and to have allowed his love and light to fill us to overflowing.

Ezra the Magnificent

We are so filled with joy I hardly have words.  Our beautiful Ezra came on May 23rd and in perfect time to fill our hearts when it would be most needed.  As life is nothing if not an endless roller coaster of ups and downs, our greatest joy was followed within a month with our deepest sorrow as we had to say goodbye to one of our most cherished.

How vast was that swing from elation to devastation and yet, that is the rhythm of life and no one knew it better than my dear, sweet father-in-law.  No man has ever lived who got it more than he did. He told everyone he encountered over and over, "relax, enjoy life", he never said a harsh word or judged another, truly he was a very advanced and wise soul, and we are grateful and joyous that we had him and cherished and adored him for as long as we did. We are ever more grateful that we had a tangible place to seek solace from our pain as we held our little Ezra.

First comes Love . . .

First comes Love, then comes marriage, then  . . .   You know how it goes.  What a year 2012 was, both kids married in joyous union with wonderful spouses who compliment them perfectly, who fill their hearts and uplift their souls.  At the marriage of our daughter, following a beautiful civil ceremony in lower Manhattan in the wedding garden across the street our son gave us our next great celebration of love.  After asking if I was ready for the next surprise (and with the full knowledge and support of his sister and her wife) he handed me their ultrasound picture, announcing a 10 week pregnancy!!

Joy of joy, little E is due next month!! - Choosing not to know the sex, but choosing names that begin with E, we await with such love and happiness this miracle of love and light.  While creating the above piece, intended to be about angels (hence the 3-3-3), the spirit of Little E came to me and I knew this piece was not to be mine, but was for Elias' wife Erika and is a celebration of the phrase "Dar A Luz", which is used in many Spanish speaking cultures to mean "to give birth" but literally translates as "to give to light."  What a perfect turn of phrase that is.  Both Erika and Elias are fully engaged an attentive to every subtle nuance of the process of bringing forth life, eating healthy nutrient rich foods, exercising according to guidelines, following every detail of instruction from their doctor, attending classes about parenting and the birth process, preparing a beautiful room and a bookshelf of books for Little E.  My fervent wish is that all children could enter the world so loved and wanted, so celebrated and cherished.

The Promise of Death

Not morbid to me at all, but a reminder of the preciousness of each moment of life, is death.  As the author of a book on the subject and a passionate speaker on the  topic I have merged my writing once again with my art creating a line of sympathy cards.  Among my favorite quotes on the subject of loss is this, "Grief is yet another song the heart must sing to open the gate of all there is". This is often the verse I use for my handmade cards.  None of us will be spared the song of grief, and we never really get over it.  Instead, we make room for grief and our wounds become a part of who we are. Grief carves deeply into our souls, but that cavern makes a wider place for joy to fill, for pain and happiness come from the same place within us.  While I truly feel great sympathy for any loss another faces, I do believe it is the shared truth that we all must face loss and death that is the heart and soul of our connection to one another. Our certain knowledge that all of this is fleeting is what makes moments so sweet and gives love its greatest power.

Living, Loving, Letting Go

How can so much time go by between posts? I am always busy with art and work, I intend to share more, but such is life- plans are set aside for what really happens.  It is all about letting go of what we think for what is, letting go of plans and expectations and embracing what happens, good and bad, joyous times and life's sadder days, they shape us into who we are.  These past few years have brought me new lessons in letting go of what I thought was to be and have blessed me with the greatest of rewards as I witness life unfold as it was meant to, not as I thought it should be.  This time of tremendous growth has broadened my spirit in ways I could never have foreseen.  Wounds do not really heal, they simply become a part of us and if we are brave enough to live the dark times fully, the brighter days are even more glorious.  These two pieces depict a couple of my greatest losses, but celebrate how they shaped me and how much I rejoice in those relationships I have cherished.